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Is Romance Overrated?

by

Romance is great.  I try to be romantic.  Sometimes it works.  And sometimes, well, not so much.

I have also been pondering the idea of falling in love as it relates to marriage.  Falling seems like such a passive thing, like it is something that happens to us without our consent.  

Is falling in love necessary for marriage?  

Until recent history, it wasn’t that way.  People used to get married for other reasons.  Political reasons.  Practical reasons.  Parental arrangements and such.  Heck, even today 55% of marriages around the globe are arranged, 90 % in India (um, and their divorce rate is only 1 %).

And romance, it’s what love is all about, right?

Or is it?

I recently saw the movie, Anna Kerenina.  It was reviewed as one of the most romantic movies of the year.  It was very romantic, but, man oh man, how did that work out for her?  Not good.  She self destructed on romance.

There must be more.

Marriage can not be based on romance alone, any more than a house can be built on frosting.

Romance and passion are important, but not as a foundation.

A vow is what begins a marriage for a good reason.  It is a commitment to stay committed.  In spite of how you feel, you are committed.  Through the inevitable storms of life, you are committed.  Regardless of whether you fall in or out or up or down, you are committed.  That is the foundation.

True love is more than just a passionate emotional state.  True love is also more than just a commitment.  

Gladly, this is not an either or proposition.  Both passion and commitment are needed in a great marriage.

How is romance overrated?  Romance is overrated in that it is expected to be a good foundation for great marriage.  Wrong.  Commitment is the solid ground upon which married love can be built.

Romance is an important and necessary ingredient in a great marriage, but it is not a reliable foundation.  

Romance is like the icing on the cake.  Pile it on baby!  But don’t build your house on it.

Committing to date your spouse on a regular basis does two powerful things at once:

  • It feeds the fire of romance.  By regularly dating you are building opportunities for romance into the fabric of your experience together.  Even if not all your dates are raging with romance, some will be.  

You can be sure that there will be more romance in a relationship with regular dating than without it.  

  • It shows and grows the strength of your commitment.  Your marriage vow was a commitment to stay committed.  It takes commitment to make dating happen on a regular basis.  By making it a regular habit to date you are exercising your commitment to your marriage and your spouse.   

Has dating your spouse fostered romance or strengthened commitment in your relationship?

Comments

    • It is the kind of work that is worth being committed to, this romance. Thanks for stopping by!

  2. Short article but the thought is there! Well said. I love it specially the statement: “Commitment is the solid ground upon which married love can be built.”

    Visiting you from the Happy Wives Club Link Up.

  3. I agree. Romance is something that was invented and can be achieved with the right lighting and music. I do think romance is beautiful and being romantic can bring wonderful feelings. However, romance is not a stable foundation at all. It’s a great addition to your marriage – like you said, good frosting. Yes, commitment and friendship are the delicious meal you had before dessert. They are definitely what counts in the long run.

  4. Oh, this is one of the very ideas I will be discussing in my intimacy series… romance is NOT intimacy. It’s something that aids intimacy, it’s something that is beautiful and helpful and perhaps a good indication that you are connecting with your spouse… but it is NOT intimacy, it is not foundational. Great post!

  6. I agree with your thoughts about Romance. For me a great marriage is intentional. I also love what Fawn has said about Romance, it’s a very pleasurably floor! I agree, we ought to “pile it on”!
    Great thoughts!
    Coming by via Messy Marriage Linkup

  7. What a great metaphor at the end – romance being like “icing on the cake.” And the sad truth is that many want to live on icing alone, as you’ve so eloquently pointed out. I love the “icing” but actually love the foundation – the cake – it sits on better. Thanks for this great metaphor and challenge, Steve. And I think this may be the first time you’ve joined me at Wedded Wednesday. I’m so glad you came on over and shared this! I love it and hope you keep coming back.

  8. I agree a great marriage cannot be maintained by romance alone. There are so often times in a marriage where romance simply isn’t possible. The general functions of everyday life are necessary and many are far from romantic. For us, my husband and I try to breath romance into the things that we can, but we don’t force it or feel saddened or dispelled when it isn’t there. Very soon after we got married I realised that it’s ok not to be romantic with each other in every situation – as many of you guys have said already, it’s merely the icing on the cake. It isn’t strictly necessary for a great bake, but it sure does make it sweeter.

  9. Great post! I could not agree more. Although you may not always have those “romantic” feelings, you will always have the commitment you made to one another.

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